yesterday I woke up from a soupy state that wasnt really sleep but a kind of dream haunted drug daze. i needed to pee. i had to lift my legs of the bed. but the pain was terrible. my damn leg hadnt recovered. It felt like a crude ceramic block baked until it was on the verge of cracking. The pain was both hot and cold, set deep in the flesh like complexed networks of poisoned wires. Somehow i managed to slither out of my bed. and as i landed out the floor, i uttered a distracted little cry as the pain ripped through my entire left leg.

i need the pill. i had never, never in my life, needed a pill as badly as i did now.

i inched my way to the table where i kept the painkillers. every single movement was a great burst of agony. With one hand on the table, i managed to do an awkward push up to lift my upper body up, with my fucking left leg dangling like a limp broken dog limb. i tried to to open the medicine packet with my hands, fumbling as i looked for the opening. one pill rolled out. down to the floor. slowly i lowered myself,very slowly. afraid that i might trigger another of the excruciating motherfucking wave of pain.

i patted the ground to trace for the pill in the dark like a blind looking for his fallen coin. i found it. I lowered my face onto the floor like a dog about to drink from its bowl and stuck out my tongue. o man, dont let my parents see me doing this.
Pain, shame, horror, and most of all a dark depression, all maroons and grays, enfolded me. i pressed my tongue against the pill and drew it into my mouth, now not a dog but an anteater injesting a tasty morsel, and swallowed.

As the pill traced its tiny hard trail down the throat, i thought to myself: I would give anything to be free of this. anything.